I eat my cake

What's the point of having cake if I can't eat it too?


Dear Whoever Made Up That Saying, you're not a logical person. Be wittier.


Imagine the first time someone used that saying:

Scene: May & George are sitting at a table on the porch drinking cold lemonade and eating cake, circa 1952.

George: How is it going with that feller?
May: Alright I reckon, but he wants to see Susie from the next town over as well.
George: Is that right?
May: Yes. I fancy him George, but he just wants to have his cake and eat it too.

*Silent pause*

George: May, I don't follow. Who wouldn't want to eat their cake? Do you not want your cake? Because I'll eat it.

Don't let that puppy sucker you

Sure, you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but that doesn't change the fact that old dogs are much better than puppies despite the contrary belief.

Think about it. What do old dogs have that young dogs lack? Lots of experience.

Yes, puppies are cute. But do you know how much work puppies are? You have to train them. They're very impatient. They slobber everywhere when they kiss you. And you have to keep them on a leash. Not to mention the fact that they try and hump every bit*h in sight.

Do not be fooled by their pouty eyes & wagging tail.

I say go to the humane society and get yourself an attractive and slightly older dog who is well behaved and who appreciates a good master when they see one. You'll be well pleased. I promise.

Special girls are like rare steaks

Most people like their steaks well-done, medium rare, hey, some even like them burnt. Very few people genuinely like their steaks rare.

A lot of people say they want someone different, special, unique. They want a rare-breed. But when it comes down to it, the majority of people mentally can't handle the idea of something raw.

For all of my rare-breads out there, no worries. Most people just can't handle you! But once you find someone who can, they'll think you're delicious!

Ouch

Some people are so fake they give me too-fakes. Be you boys & girls. Be. You.

Who WAS I?

Me: Please don't call me boo, ever.
Brotha: You know what's funny about that?
Me: What?
Brotha: When you were a youngster you got mad at me because I called you by your name & you wanted me to call you boo.



Wait................. WHAT?

Why would I ever WANT someone to call me boo? I hate the word boo. It rhymes with pooh. Interesting how we change, isn't it?

This creepy man above is Boo Radley from To Kill a Mocking Bird. Can you see why I don't want to be called boo?

KPC

You can't enjoy the thrill of the coast without a little kick & push. So kick high. Push hard. Coast easy.

I'm a big girl now!

Dear 2011, you have officially gone buck-wild on me.

                    The Breast Milk Baby Doll. Complete with a flowery nip halter.

Carefree, the way, to be?

People don't understand that being nonchalant isn't just a decision, it's a lifestyle. So be careful because being carefree has to be done carefully and in moderation or else it turns into something very short of apathy.

And you can't spell apathetic without the word "pathetic," now can you?

Hipster-Domania

Last night I went to see Toro y Moi & Braids at The Crocodile in Seattle. Radical show.

This radical show was on a planet called Hipster-Domania.

On Hipster-Domania all the girls wear some combination of leggings, skirts, dirty shoes, something high-wasited, baggy tees, and of course, big grandma glasses.

I felt exposed without my beanie, but I had on Toms and a black & grey flannel T-shirt so I am pretty positive nobody detected my outsiderness.

After thought: Why do all hipsters have bad eye sight?

Maybe so many of them were wearing glasses so they could get a clear vision of the swirling colors and shapes on the projection screen. Hm, wonder what that was for?

Anyhoo, I personally love hipsters and I listen to "hipster music" and I like "hipster stuff." Hmm, if the shoe fits...Although, I would never be a true hipster because when asked if I am a hipster I would probably just say yes.

Oh and a piece of advice, if you ever find yourself on planet Hipster-Domania, NEVER EVER say the word "HIPSTER." Awkwardo.

Instead, you can do what I did after I made this boo-boo and just use the word "hamster."

AYO

I'll be honest. Sometimes I listen to ignorant rap. But for two reasons and two reasons only. Reason 1: The ego. Reason 2: The ad-libs.

The insane cockiness in ignorant rap just brings out my ego-invincible.

And the ad-libs are so fun to say...or yell....or you can growl along if you still listen to DMX.

What a douche-bag

When I am in a car with a guy and he starts to drive really fast and forcefully make his way through traffic, I feel very silly....for him.

I want to raise my hand and say, "Excuse me sir, you don't have to do that. You're already awesome and by doing that you are making it seem like you are trying to validate your awesome, which is not awesome at all. You should probably just stop. P.S. You're turning me off."

But I don't. I just smile and shake my head instead.

I suppose you don't always have to tell a guy when he is being a douche, especially while he's driving and you're in the passenger seat.

In-teg-ri-ty

I love people with integrity or those who strive to achieve it. It shows their courage to be different and it shows how strong they are and how much they love themselves.

Integrity is like a constant battle against oneself and I love a little competition. Can you beat yourself? I dare you to try.

Integrity is so cool because if you have it you can sleep at night and you're not up thinking about all the lame or fake things you did that day.

Since I like quotes, here are some little integrity treats:

“Integrity is doing the right thing, even if nobody is watching.”-Unknown

“Integrity is what we do, what we say, and what we say we do”-Don Galer

"Integrity is telling myself the truth....and honesty is telling the truth to other people."-Spencer Johnson

Swagger Braggers, off with their heads!

After a long day of shredding, two of my friends and I were driving back home and a Nas song came on.

Every time I hear any Nas song it's like the first time, amazingness. I just sit in awe and listen carefully and think to myself, Nas you are so awesome, can your mind please marry my mind?

Anyways, Nas was telling me one of his usual stories & I started thinking about how people say Nas is just a story teller and not a rapper.

Idiots!

Real rap is story telling.

When did rapping turn into swagger bragging?

Look, it's okay for Jay-Z to brag about himself, he's Jay-Z, he earned it. But there are so many rappers out there swagger bragging who haven't done squiltch.

Look at all the rappers people actually respect and sincerely think are dope, they all tell dope stories.

Down with the swagger braggers.

(They would probably call me a hater right about now and then make a song about how many haters they have and how dope their swag is)...how original. 

Chillwave

Where have you been all my life?

I have recently discovered something wonderful that I have to share with everyone. "Chillwave" is possibly the best genre of music ever in life. If you like samples, the 80's, minimal lyrics, artistic videos, nostalgia & synths, this is the genre for you.

It's like a little bite of heaven, calm, inspiration, young, and feel-good all mashed up into one nom nom for your ears.

Check out Toro y Moi, Memory Tapes, & Neon Indian.

The song below is called "Still Sound," by Toro y Moi, remixed by Birds & Batteries.

"Still Sound" Birds & Batteries Remix by birdsandbatteries

While I am at it, here's some art associated with chillwave:

Deng, boredom is powerful.

I can't help but look at some of the people I've dated & think to myself, wait...what the eff?


What do I blame these #fails on? Boredom.

Ever played a lame game you don't really like just because you're bored? I have.

I.e. When you're 22-years-old and playing "Go fish."

Usually towards the middle of the game you'll think: Wait a second, why am I playing this game in the first place? I don't even like this game, oh wait, I had nothing else to do.



I've said it before and I'll say it again, boredom is Lucifer.



Although, sometimes the game turns out to be really fun. But at the end of the day you're still a 22-year-old playing "Go fish," not a good look.