I eat my cake

What's the point of having cake if I can't eat it too?


Dear Whoever Made Up That Saying, you're not a logical person. Be wittier.


Imagine the first time someone used that saying:

Scene: May & George are sitting at a table on the porch drinking cold lemonade and eating cake, circa 1952.

George: How is it going with that feller?
May: Alright I reckon, but he wants to see Susie from the next town over as well.
George: Is that right?
May: Yes. I fancy him George, but he just wants to have his cake and eat it too.

*Silent pause*

George: May, I don't follow. Who wouldn't want to eat their cake? Do you not want your cake? Because I'll eat it.

Don't let that puppy sucker you

Sure, you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but that doesn't change the fact that old dogs are much better than puppies despite the contrary belief.

Think about it. What do old dogs have that young dogs lack? Lots of experience.

Yes, puppies are cute. But do you know how much work puppies are? You have to train them. They're very impatient. They slobber everywhere when they kiss you. And you have to keep them on a leash. Not to mention the fact that they try and hump every bit*h in sight.

Do not be fooled by their pouty eyes & wagging tail.

I say go to the humane society and get yourself an attractive and slightly older dog who is well behaved and who appreciates a good master when they see one. You'll be well pleased. I promise.

Special girls are like rare steaks

Most people like their steaks well-done, medium rare, hey, some even like them burnt. Very few people genuinely like their steaks rare.

A lot of people say they want someone different, special, unique. They want a rare-breed. But when it comes down to it, the majority of people mentally can't handle the idea of something raw.

For all of my rare-breads out there, no worries. Most people just can't handle you! But once you find someone who can, they'll think you're delicious!

Ouch

Some people are so fake they give me too-fakes. Be you boys & girls. Be. You.

Who WAS I?

Me: Please don't call me boo, ever.
Brotha: You know what's funny about that?
Me: What?
Brotha: When you were a youngster you got mad at me because I called you by your name & you wanted me to call you boo.



Wait................. WHAT?

Why would I ever WANT someone to call me boo? I hate the word boo. It rhymes with pooh. Interesting how we change, isn't it?

This creepy man above is Boo Radley from To Kill a Mocking Bird. Can you see why I don't want to be called boo?

KPC

You can't enjoy the thrill of the coast without a little kick & push. So kick high. Push hard. Coast easy.

I'm a big girl now!

Dear 2011, you have officially gone buck-wild on me.

                    The Breast Milk Baby Doll. Complete with a flowery nip halter.

Carefree, the way, to be?

People don't understand that being nonchalant isn't just a decision, it's a lifestyle. So be careful because being carefree has to be done carefully and in moderation or else it turns into something very short of apathy.

And you can't spell apathetic without the word "pathetic," now can you?